My favorite thing about being a mother isn’t the cuddles, the laughs or playing with my kids. It is learning from my kids. They don’t know it, but they teach me all the time how to be a good mother to them. Some day I will tell them what great teachers they are. But not yet.
When I was a kid, I didn’t get the childhood I should have. I’m pretty sure I wrote about this in one of my early posts. My dad was abusive, and my mom didn’t know how to get away from him for twelve years. I don’t blame her; I had a hard time leaving my first husband too. The part that I do blame her for is when she was on drugs, depressed and sick. She left the care to me and my older brother.
Thinking about the difference in the way I parent and the way my parents did. Reminds me of my geometry teacher from my sophomore year of high school. I was doing so good in his class; I was so proud of myself. My mom got sick with a deep depression that lasted months. I had to take my little brother to school, causing me to miss a few classes in geometry. I was so far behind; my teacher had a meeting with my mom. I agreed to take a class after school to catch up. After a month of playing catch up and attending all my classes.
I noticed I wasn’t getting closer to catching up. I eventually stopped going to geometry. Fast forward to the last day of school, we were required to return our books. I saved geometry for the last. I was ashamed of my quitting. My teacher asked why I stopped. I told him the truth. I felt defeated, like I would never catch up. He wasn’t mad, but disappointed in me. he just asked that I make him a promise. The promise was to graduate high school. In May 2010 I fulfilled that promise.
My mother did apologize this year for leaning on me more than she should have. As an adult I do understand how slippery that slope is. But it is another thing I try not to do to my children. When my ex and I separated, my daughter told me that her teacher said she was responsible for taking care of me. She said her teacher made her think it was her job. She was also told to take care of her brothers as the oldest. I was angry I said “NO! It is MY job to take care of you not the other way around”. I told her it is not okay for her teacher to say that to her. Her teacher should especially not have said it because she is not her parent. It is unfair to place the burden of family care on a child when a parent is absent.
As of lately though I haven’t been the best mom I can be. The last two months I have been fighting sickness and my depression. Unlike my mom I still did make sure my kids made it to school along with completing homework. I have not been paying enough attention to the kids. I haven’t been spending quality time with them like I should. My youngest came to me one day asking “mom, are you ok? You don’t do anything with us anymore. Why not?”
I realized my error and apologized, promising to do better. That weekend we went to the park after getting donuts, fruit, juice and water. We spent two hours at the park. The kids all ran around playing tag, while I played referee. It was wonderful watching them play and run. The next weekend I bought games and toys. We spent some time playing Uno. Last weekend two of my children wanted to go to church with friends. My oldest son didn’t want to go to church. We decided to spend a couple hours running around town. We went to the mall, Lego land, walked around downtown, ending with some McDonald’s for lunch.
This weekend I plan on doing a movie with some snacks. Play some monopoly. Also try and make it to the park. We won’t have a lot of time for fun, because we are planning a move. But my kids deserve a present mom. I am still learning how to be a good mom for my kids. I take it one day at a time and listen to what they need from me. Never underestimate a child’s words, their honesty teaches us how to love them.
Growing up Audhild 
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