Growing up Audhild

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  • Essential Life Lessons for Personal Growth

    Essential Life Lessons for Personal Growth

     Ten Things I am Certain. I have not lived a full life. In fact, I still have a lot more living left to do. But in the time, I have been on earth these are my biggest lessons. A list of what I have learned for certain so far.

    1. There will be a day when we die. No one escapes death. It’s a fact, No matter how rich, smart, beautiful, poor, dumb, ugly. We all end up in the grave.

    2. We all make mistakes. What I mean is not like a politician, but like a person who was having a   day. The point of those is to teach us how to be better. Use that to improve yourself.

    3. You can’t trust every person who says they care. It’s harsh but it’s true. Not everyone loves you. Everyone might deserve a second chance, but no one warrants a third or fourth chance.

    4. Physical pain heals in weeks. For example, bruises and broken bones. Emotional pain can take decades. This is often associated with PTSD.

    5. It is Impossible for anyone else to see from your personal perspective. They can understand based on their own outlook and past, but they won’t be capable of fully getting your standpoint.

    6. You need to not only love yourself, but also trust yourself. I know these things go hand in hand, but they are not the same thing. Loving yourself is looking past your faults and your mistakes. Trusting yourself is listening to that voice in your head and knowing when it’s right, and when it’s wrong.

    7. Everyone is a tiny bit crazy. I absolutely agree with Michelle Hodkin when she said “everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is they hide it better”. I believe this is true. People are all crazy in their own ways. Some do show it more, others are good at covering it up.

    8. Some things are not meant to be explained or understood. No one in this world will ever understand or have clarification for everything.

    9. Someone who hurts you and apologizes repeatedly does not love you! My husband once explained to our children that when you say, “I’m sorry” it means “I won’t do it again”. This is something we have maintained in our house. Someone who is truly sorry for their words, actions, or the pain they inflicted, will not continue to repeat it. Unless the pain is or was deliberate.

    10. Choose your own right and wrong. No, I am not saying break the laws! I am saying choose what is right and wrong for you. You must be the person who decides what is adequate and what is not tolerable. Maintain those boundaries for every person you meet. People who truly love and respect you will follow your lead.

  • How ‘She Used to Be Mine’ Defines My Journey

    How ‘She Used to Be Mine’ Defines My Journey

    Here we go again! 3rd week. The question this week. What song best describes your life? The song I feel like best describes me is She used to be mine by Sara Bareilles.

    When this song came out it was made for the Broadway musical Waitress. The musical is about a waitress Jenna at a diner who loves to bake pies. Jenna is also in an abusive relationship. She finds out at the start that she is pregnant with her husband’s child. Jenna at first was reluctant with the news of the baby feeling like it might trap her in her marriage forever. She then meets her doctor and has an affair with him. Jenna decides to join a pie baking contest in hopes that winning it will get her away from her abusive husband.

    My husband wasn’t physically abusive, but while I was pregnant, he had an affair and abandoned me and our children. This experience changed me profoundly, and the song resonated with me during that time.

    First verse: Its not simple to say: That most days I don’t recognize me: That these shoes and this apron: that place and its patrons: have taken more then I gave them:

    I would be lying if I said that there are still days, I feel like I have put more into other people, places, and things more than they deserved.

    Second verse: It’s not easy to know: I’m not anything like I used to be: Although it’s true: I was never attention’s sweet center: I still remember that girl.

    I still believe I wasn’t entirely a person, but in some ways, I was and still am. This verse, “I still remember that girl,” reminds me that I was someone else before life-altering experiences changed me. Eventually, I realized that the girl I once was is no longer part of me.

    Fourth verse: She’s imperfect, But she tries: She is good, but she lies: She is hard on herself: She is broken and wont ask for help: she is messy but she’s kind: she is lonely most of the time: she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie: she is gone but she used to be mine.

    Previously, I was sweet, innocent, and hopeful. Experiences changed me, making me more aware of people’s true nature. I built walls, learned to trust no one, and realized I must love myself as no one else would. Ultimately, I understood that only I can truly care for myself and my children.

    Fifth verse: You’re not what I asked for: if I’m honest I know I would take it all back: for a chance to start over: and rewrite an ending or two: for the girl that I knew.

    It may seem hurtful or mean, but I would change my past choices for my children’s better childhood if I knew then what I know now.

    Sixth verse: Who was reckless just enough: who gets hurt: but who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised: and gets used by a man who can’t love: and then she’ll get stuck and be scared: for the life that’s inside her: getting stronger each day ‘till it finally reminds her: to fight just a little to bring back the fire in her eyes: that’s been gone, but use to be mine: oh, used to be mine.

    This verse holds great importance in the song. I learned how to be resilient when dealing with individuals, including a boy who did not return my feelings as I had hoped. After the birth of my children, I found the strength to leave the situation behind.

    Final verse: she is messy, but she’s kind: she is lonely most of the time: she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie: she is gone, but she used to be mine.

    The girl I once knew is no longer here, but her memory remains. I have grown into the person she needed. As Sara Bareilles sings, “She is gone, but she used to be mine.”

    “She Used to Be Mine” tells the tale of a girl who used to be kind, flawed, and lonely. Her life experiences made her strong enough to leave a man who couldn’t love her. I knew someone like that—she was brave and resilient despite facing difficulties and heartbreak. She was mine, but she’s gone now. The song expresses my feelings of loss and finding the strength to move on.

  • Finding My Path: Balancing Family and Career Aspirations

    Finding My Path: Balancing Family and Career Aspirations

    Continuing my journey to self-discovery. I have the second question: Where do I like to work? What work will I be doing?

    This question is a hard question. I feel like I haven’t quite found that thing that I can do. I know what I want to do. I know that thing I have to do. Getting to that dream I have a very long road. At this time in my life, I am at a fork in the road.

    It started with my husband. I have always expressed an interest in going to college. My husband is my biggest cheerleader who always encourages me to do the things I love. He also encourages me to follow my dreams and go to college. Even though I have a few roadblocks.

     One; my children still heavily rely on me. They are getting to ages where they need me less. Nonetheless, because they are all extra spicy, my kids need me more than other kids their age. Two; I am the default parent. My kid’s dad participates in parenting when he has to. He only takes the kids two nights a week. Three; with the economy being in the awful state it is in; I need to work. That leaves me little time with my kids, school, homework and work.

    If someday I do get to return to school, I’m still not sure what I will do. Microbiology is what I was in college for. I loved finding out about microorganisms. I also love psychology, the way the brain works is fascinating to me. With microbiology I want to work in a lab. With psychology I could take it anywhere. I am considering still getting a degree working in a lab with a minor in psychology. The first time I looked into a microscope I was on cloud nine for the next few days. I have never had that feeling in anything I have done. I must get behind a microscope again.

    I know where I want to be, I know what I must do. But getting to my dream is a very long road. The biggest struggle is overcoming the hurdles of balancing time every day. It’s also challenging to manage money and take care of my family. Like I said it is a hard question. Even though I know it will be worth it in the end.

  • Exploring My Perfect Day: A Journey of Self-Discovery

    Exploring My Perfect Day: A Journey of Self-Discovery

    When you are born into a trauma, you are instantly put into survival mode. I think we then create personalities out of the need to survive. I went over this in more detail in my first blog; Introducing Me. In the last two years, I have been trying to find out who I am. I am not even close to being finished and may never be. I found a writing challenge on Pinterest I want to try. It is 31 questions to know who you are.

    I will be posting my answers to these questions at least once a week. Follow along with me as I discover more about myself. I am excited about this new experience. The first question is, what does my perfect day look like?

    My perfect day would be waking up naturally with the sunup. I would get ready for my day. Getting a shower, get dressed. Then I would enjoy breakfast with a cup of coffee. We would have pancakes with eggs and bacon. After finishing the morning, I would head out to the mountains. I would enjoy being out in nature. Of course, My kids are by my side.

    We would go hiking. At lunchtime we would stop with some meat and cheese sandwiches and chips. Then find a camping spot and get it set up. Putting up tents, collecting firewood, making beds. Then start the fire and cook some hot dogs and s’mores’.

    We would end the night with a good book. Finally falling asleep with the soothing sounds of nature. This would be my perfect day. Spending the day enjoying all the things I love my family, nature, reading and good food.

    Feel free to follow along with me, or answer in the comments. What does your perfect day look like?

  • How I Overcame Past Struggles to Be a Better Mom

    How I Overcame Past Struggles to Be a Better Mom

    Daily writing prompt
    Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
    View all responses

    My favorite thing about being a mother isn’t the cuddles, the laughs or playing with my kids. It is learning from my kids. They don’t know it, but they teach me all the time how to be a good mother to them. Some day I will tell them what great teachers they are. But not yet.

    When I was a kid, I didn’t get the childhood I should have. I’m pretty sure I wrote about this in one of my early posts. My dad was abusive, and my mom didn’t know how to get away from him for twelve years. I don’t blame her; I had a hard time leaving my first husband too. The part that I do blame her for is when she was on drugs, depressed and sick. She left the care to me and my older brother.

    Thinking about the difference in the way I parent and the way my parents did. Reminds me of my geometry teacher from my sophomore year of high school. I was doing so good in his class; I was so proud of myself. My mom got sick with a deep depression that lasted months. I had to take my little brother to school, causing me to miss a few classes in geometry. I was so far behind; my teacher had a meeting with my mom. I agreed to take a class after school to catch up. After a month of playing catch up and attending all my classes.

    I noticed I wasn’t getting closer to catching up. I eventually stopped going to geometry. Fast forward to the last day of school, we were required to return our books. I saved geometry for the last. I was ashamed of my quitting. My teacher asked why I stopped. I told him the truth. I felt defeated, like I would never catch up. He wasn’t mad, but disappointed in me. he just asked that I make him a promise. The promise was to graduate high school. In May 2010 I fulfilled that promise.

    My mother did apologize this year for leaning on me more than she should have. As an adult I do understand how slippery that slope is. But it is another thing I try not to do to my children. When my ex and I separated, my daughter told me that her teacher said she was responsible for taking care of me. She said her teacher made her think it was her job. She was also told to take care of her brothers as the oldest. I was angry I said “NO! It is MY job to take care of you not the other way around”. I told her it is not okay for her teacher to say that to her. Her teacher should especially not have said it because she is not her parent. It is unfair to place the burden of family care on a child when a parent is absent.

    As of lately though I haven’t been the best mom I can be. The last two months I have been fighting sickness and my depression. Unlike my mom I still did make sure my kids made it to school along with completing homework. I have not been paying enough attention to the kids. I haven’t been spending quality time with them like I should. My youngest came to me one day asking “mom, are you ok? You don’t do anything with us anymore. Why not?”

    I realized my error and apologized, promising to do better. That weekend we went to the park after getting donuts, fruit, juice and water. We spent two hours at the park. The kids all ran around playing tag, while I played referee. It was wonderful watching them play and run. The next weekend I bought games and toys. We spent some time playing Uno. Last weekend two of my children wanted to go to church with friends. My oldest son didn’t want to go to church. We decided to spend a couple hours running around town. We went to the mall, Lego land, walked around downtown, ending with some McDonald’s for lunch.

    This weekend I plan on doing a movie with some snacks. Play some monopoly. Also try and make it to the park. We won’t have a lot of time for fun, because we are planning a move.  But my kids deserve a present mom. I am still learning how to be a good mom for my kids. I take it one day at a time and listen to what they need from me. Never underestimate a child’s words, their honesty teaches us how to love them.

  • Dreams, Spirits, and Superstition: A Personal Journey

    Dreams, Spirits, and Superstition: A Personal Journey

    Daily writing prompt
    Are you superstitious?
    View all responses

    I took an anthropology class in college. At one point we studied religion across different cultures. One thing that is true for all humanity is we all believe in something. It is the only way we understand the world, humanity and the universe. This is what I choose to believe in.

    I was born and raised Christian. My maternal grandpa was a pastor. I heard a couple of his sermons before his first stroke. After he died my grandma, who I was very close to, continued to teach us about Christ.

    I still do believe in God and all the things I was raised to believe. The last few years I was pulled towards witchcraft. I started to study what that all means to me. Especially what I believe in. I won’t lie this has been a struggle. I bounce back and forth between what I was raised to believe and what I feel is right. Having the impression of what I was feeling, knowing and learning was wrong.

    Even with every Sunday church visits, and study of the Bible. My personal favorite was Daily Bread reading with coffee and rice crispy treats. My grandma always had a different approach when it came to sickness. She used a lot of herbs, minerals and medications. That wasn’t what I found different. I was surprised to find out when I started practicing and learning witchcraft. I learned that traditionally a witch uses a pendulum to make some choices. My grandma also used this to find the right things to make us feel better.

    I remember one time when I was about fourteen and was very sick to my stomach. My mom took me to grandma’s. Grandma thought maybe I had eaten something and needed to get it out. She asked me to hold out my hand, placed four charcoal pills in my palm. After she used her pendulum to see if the charcoal would help me. It said yes! She then taped all four to my wrist and said to keep them on for a couple of days. I did what she said and felt better after the first day. My grandma also taught me a lot of herb practices. I used them today with my family.

    The women in my mom’s side of the family have always had a connection with dreams. My mother told me about a dream she had, when she was sixteen. The dream she described was her riding in the car with my grandparents on the way to church. Looking out the window she saw Jesus in a field. He was talking to her, telling her “Come home”. The next morning my Great Grandpa had a heart attack that took him to heaven. Dreams like these don’t just happen with my mom it happens to all us women. We do check in’s especially when we are all having death dreams.

    I have had these dreams too. When my grandpa passed on, I had a dream before and after. The one before I had a call from the hospital. They told me my grandma died. At the pain of the loss I sunk to my knees. I suddenly saw a pair of brown shoes and looked up. It was my grandparents’, when they were young, saying goodbye. Grandma said to be happy she is with God. After my grandpa left the world, he paid us a visit. He wanted to give grandma a message. We lived with her at the time. The message was He loved her and would be waiting for her. In my dream grandpa tucked me in. I saw him leaving my room, so I ran after him. Going into grandma’s room I saw him in the corner. I woke grandma up and told her grandpa was there. I told her what he wanted her to know. She said he was in heaven.

    When I woke up my blankets were so tight, I had a hard time getting out of bed. I ran into my grandma’s room and told her about my dream. She responded with “grandpa is in heaven”. a few days later she gave me a book about processing death. I still believe today that grandpa came to tell us goodbye that night.

    When grandma died two years ago, I had several dreams. The one I remember the most was a dream of her in my room. She was standing at my bed watching me sleep. A week after she died, I saw her at work. I originally thought it was just another person who just so happened to be wearing a vest, like grandma. When I got the chance, I looked around and couldn’t find anyone like her. I knew it was her saying goodbye.

    I have many more experiences with dreams and visits from other things. I am superstitious. That is because I have these experiences that don’t allow me space to deny them. Just a couple months ago my mom and I were talking about grandma and her special healing practices. We have both agreed we may have a line of witchcraft, or spiritual sensitivities. Who knows where they came from. It doesn’t change what I know and believe.

  • Four Seasons

    Four Seasons

    Daily writing prompt
    What is your favorite type of weather?
    View all responses

    Autumn is my favorite season. Although I do enjoy all the seasons. They all have a special meaning to me. Along with the different activities they create.

    Winter I enjoy because of the snow. I love watching it snow under a cozy blanket and a hot cup of coco. how about the days you take a stroll with no destination, how the cool air feels against your skin. The sound of silence and the crunch of snow under your feet. I love going snowboarding or sledding. Spending the entire day playing in the cold snow. Then ending it by taking a warm shower, and putting on dry clothes. finally climbing under a fluffy blanket with hot chili and coco. I also like this season because it is my oldest sons birthday, and Christmas.

    Spring is so refreshing. The weather is warming up, and the snow is melting. I do love the smell of fresh flowers growing. though I don’t like the way they trigger my allergies. Another reason I like this season is my daughter and husband’s birthdays. Along with celebrating Easter and St. Patrick’s day. I like the feeling of fresh beginnings spring brings. I love how satisfying spring cleaning is. When I was young my mom use to open all the doors and windows when she did her spring cleaning. After spending the day cleaning, we would close the windows and doors. Then we would light candles, enjoy a movie, and have a good dinner.

    Summer is equally as fun as winter. The activities are endless. Swimming, hiking, picnics, fishing, and camping. I love the smell of campfires along with the taste of burnt marshmallows and hot dogs. How about waking up in the woods to the sound of birds singing. The heavy sweating after walking a trail, feeling like you just hit the gym. We love taking the kids to the swimming pool, enjoying the sun on our skin and playing with the kids. This is also a great season for activities at the library. We take the kids all summer to keep their minds growing without the daily school curriculum. I like to read as much as they do, win; win. The fourth of July was always another great holiday. I have memories of sitting on grandma’s roof, eating snacks and watching the fireworks. Now I get to watch my kids with the same excitement.

    I saved the best for last! My favorite season is Autumn. After the heat from summer it is nice to have cool air again. I love the cardigans and sweaters. The wonderful taste of pumpkin spice coffee while enjoying the crisp morning air. The beautiful sites of the changing of the leaves. In Colorado many ski resorts will give you a turn on the lifts. I enjoy the sound of the dead leaves as they crunch under my feet. I light a lot of my favorite candles during this season, and yes they are cinnamon, pine, and pumpkin spice. Additionally I also get to celebrate mine and my youngest son’s birthdays. Along with Halloween and Thanksgiving. The holidays give me a chance to show off my baking skills.

    there are many reasons to love all the seasons. For me though Autumn will always be my favorite.

  • A Real Tear Jerk!

    A Real Tear Jerk!

    Daily writing prompt
    What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?
    View all responses

    I have many movies and TV shows I enjoy. One of my all-time favorites though is P.S. I Love You.

    This quirky movie follows Holly, played by Hillary Swank, as she morns the loss of her husband. Holly’s husband, an Irish man named Gerry, played by Gerard Butler. Gerry knew he was terminally ill. He set up letters to help his wife move on after he dies. The letters only span a year. They encourage Holly to take chances and follow her dreams.

    I love this movie because the love and commitment they had for each other surpasses even death. As Holly morns for her husband. She struggles with depression, loss of love and herself. She also encounters the opinions of her mother, Patricia, who feels the letters are not a healthy way to grieve. Patricia has this opinion because she was abandoned by Holly’s father. That left her to raise two children on her own and no time to process the loss of her marriage. I think this leaves her feeling a little jealous of Holly.

    The only thing I really don’t like is the awkward friendship between Holly and Daniel. Daniel is introduced at Gerry’s memorial service. They become good friends. Daniel suffers from a disorder that doesn’t allow him to process his thoughts before he says them. I think it is an unpopular opinion that Holly and Daniel’s friendship feels a little forced. I think this because Daniel is falling for Holly quickly while she processes the death of Gerry. Holly is too busy following Gerry’s letters to notice Daniel’s feelings. That leaves Daniel not feeling good enough for Holly.

     All the characters do move ahead and grow, especially Holly. It shows grief, real love, friendship, and life after death. Anyone who likes romances that make you cry and laugh at the same time; this is right up your alley!

  • Food for Thought

    Food for Thought

    Warning! this post is a little political. This is my opinion based on my personal experience. If you don’t like it that is okay.

    I have noticed lately that people are angry with other people for simply trying to survive. People just minding their own business are getting attacked? Why are we attacking people?

    This is a concept I have never understood! Why do we have to hurt and hate other people. The reasons are small. They include how they live and how they parent their children. It also includes who they love, what they look like, and what they believe.

    I saw a few Facebook posts angry at homeless people for simply trying to survive. These parents were angry that some homeless people were in the park. The post judged them for being homeless like they have all the control. I understand the concern for the safety of the children and I agree. But I don’t understand being mad at the person without a home?

    I know it’s a stigma that ALL homeless people are on drugs. That simply is not true, especially in America today. The cost of living in comparison to the minimum wage is mind boggling. Most homeless people today can not afford housing. Believe it or not there is also not a lot of help and support for the homeless. In my town we have three homeless shelters, only one allows families. The housing authority has a three year waiting list along with all low income housing. The two other shelters do not allow the people to stay inside all day. The homeless people are kicked out at 7:30 in the morning. They are not allowed to return until 4:30 in the evening.

    Not all homeless shelters are what they are made out to be. Most facilities get donated food with a small budget. The donated food is rotten most of the time. Sometimes, staff takes some of the donations home. The rules are strict for good reason, but it makes it hard on the people in the shelter. There are hundreds of different people with diverse backgrounds crammed into a small space. Arguments, fights and misunderstanding are daily. Some places embezzle the money from the government instead of putting it into the facilities its meant for. Part of that money also has only specific places and things its meant to be used for. That leaves needs in areas that are neglected.

    Let’s revisit the cost of living. I will give the numbers I found from the town I live in. I was offered a job that was to pay me $25 an hour for full time. Before taxes That’s $4,000 in one month. Rent for a family my size is easily over $2,000 a month that’s already more then half my income. Now we add in utilities that is typically over $200 on average. Car payment and insurance are about $500 together. I don’t know about anyone else but when it comes to food my kids put away over $1,000 every month. After all that I’m left with $300 that goes to gas, medications, and any other things that come up. These are not exact numbers, but they come close.

    My point is we are angry with these people for being homeless like it is all their fault. Yes, a part of it is their fault. There are people who do drugs and are homeless. There are also people who quit a job without another one lined up. Along with people who got really sick and can not work. But it is not just on them. Why do we still have drugs in the U.S? Why do we not have supports for good education on good jobs? How about not having toxic work environments created by the employer? What about acceptable help for disabled people? Or places for elderly to go who can no longer take care of themselves? There are so many reasons other than drugs for people to be homeless.

    Why do we let the government put all the blame on individuals? Why do they take little responsibility to help them? Why are there countries in Europe who have little to no homeless? What are those countries doing that we are not? Do we just need to be reminded to not judge people who are living in crisis?

    These factors need to be considered when feeling anger toward the homeless people. They are in the park, on the corner, or in the woods. No story has a straight A and B line. Again we need to make the cost of living lower or give people more money to have a home. I struggle to survive on $25 an hour for a three-bedroom house. I can’t imagine anyone being capable of affording a home on $15 an hour. At the end of the day just be kind you do not know what other people are facing everyday.

  • Dead or Alive?

    Dead or Alive?

    Daily writing prompt
    What is the last thing you learned?
    View all responses

    What is the last thing I learned? As I contemplate this question. I can hear my brilliant teacher say “If you stop learning something everyday you are dead!”

    I know this sentence is alarming. The first time I heard it I was in sixth grade. I was shocked! I didn’t understand how you can be alive and dead at the same time? What does the lack of learning have to do with living?

    Since that time I graduated high school. I got married to my ex husband. I got busy with life and had my three children. I was moving from place to place. Changing from one job to another. Desperately trying to make a marriage work that was never meant to be.

    Now I’m thrice the age I was when I first met Mr. Schlatter. I have been through so many life experiences since then. I have learned so many things. A couple of years after he passed away, I realized I had stopped learning. I felt dead inside.

    I was living, breathing, along with moving. But I was no longer learning, thinking and growing. That is what he meant. You can be alive, but if you are not learning something new every day, you are dead on the inside.

    I had grasped the lesson taught to me a couple of decades ago. I needed to make a change. So I started with what I liked and tried to make a career, that failed. I tried another, that also failed. But I was still moving ahead. That is the point never stop learning.

    Today I try to learn something everyday. I am going to college; learning, feeling healthy and alive. A close friend told me today about parts of the female anatomy I never knew the name to. That is the last thing I learned. I will never stop learning again until the day I die. Thank you Mr. Schlatter!