Growing up Audhild

Starting out my life under an abusive relationship, became my first introduction to love. As a child I was taught that love means sacrificing my needs and worth for someone else’s happiness. That; relationships were built on manipulation, obligation, and fear, silencing my voice. Through years of pain, reflection, and courage I have learned that true love means respect, consent, truth and “no” is a whole sentence. My past taught me to ignore my needs and safety. Learning how to set and preserve healthy boundaries has helped me grow and heal. This is how I learned to love myself and realize what true love is. If you have ever felt worthless, powerless, unloved, and unworthy I hope this helps you realize just how powerful, brave, and strong you are.

I have had some time to work on my healing, learning to love myself and others in a healthy way. With social media people can tell their stories. One story caught my attention, it gave me a space of reflection on my past, present and future. One day I was scrolling on YouTube shorts. I came across a girl talking about her experience of sexual manipulation and abuse from men. Starting out with a boy sleeping with another girl because she wouldn’t give him her virginity. When she turned to her father for advice, he told her, “Guys have needs.” She goes on to say this is what she thought sex was “guys have needs” so she gave the boy what he wanted. This pattern in her life just continued, no matter if she felt like it or not. “Guys have needs” became her reasoning for letting whatever guy she was in a relationship with to take from her. That all changed when she started questioning her own reasoning and she started asking for her own needs to be met too. Eventually she came to the point where it was how she learned how to love herself in sex.

Hearing this girl’s story made me think of my own. Mine was similar but no man in my family encouraged me to give the boy what he wanted. I was raised Christian. In Christianity you wait until you are married then the men can do with you what he wants. I was given a promise ring, that I broke at 16 to my ex-husband. Yes, I gave my virginity to the first man I Married before we were married. I admit I gave it to him willingly I wanted it as bad as he did. Although there was a lot of pressure and he manipulated everyone, including me, to get it. Of course, he was cliché and after we broke up a few times before we got married.

Once we were married, I was his to use whenever he wanted, but for him I wasn’t enough. The first few years of marriage we had sex at least once daily. I thought if I kept him satisfied maybe it would keep him from cheating some more. It was still not enough for him. Then came our daughter, just two weeks old and orders from the doctor not to have sex for six weeks. Once again that didn’t stop him. I would like to say at that point I left him, but I didn’t. Things went on like this for the rest of our marriage. I was able to talk him into giving me a few days break, I still had to engage with sex after four days passed in fear of him taking it regardless. He would either harass me, or I would wake up in the middle of the night with him on top of me. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Even still he continued to cheat on me. Obviously when I decided I was done with the relationship I also decided I was done being treated like a sex object. When I realized I was in a domestic abusive relationship, I began to question my worth and his actions. Through social media I learned love should not come with the cost of my safety and self-worth. That is when I reclaimed my voice, and he asked me for a divorce.

Today I am in a relationship with a man who is not just faithful to me but respects me and my body. Sex is not the first thing he thinks of it also doesn’t mean love. We have been together for four years. As I heal from what I went through with my ex I became happy in a new normal. Seeing the video of the girl not only reminded me of my own terror but let me see how far I have come in my healing journey. I told my husband how much I appreciate how he loves me and respects my body. Consent is a large part of our relationship, if I say “stop” I know he will stop and “no” is completely okay. We will just watch a movie instead. You can imagine my surprise the first time I told him to stop…and he did instantly. He was not mad, he did not punish me, nothing. Instead, he made sure I was okay and refused to continue until I felt better. For the first time I felt safe. The change from obligation to respect started a new chapter in my life. Consent and mutual care replaced hurt and manipulation.

Everything I went through gave me the strength to assert my boundaries, and leave a loveless marriage built on lies, manipulation and pain. I know now what true love means: It means mutual respect, trust, faithfulness, and the safety to say “no” without consequences. If you can relate to my story, I implore you- you are not alone. Recognize the patterns, you are worth so much more. A relationship that hurts all the time is not healthy and you have the strength to walk away and be happy.