Growing up Audhild

It is 2:12 am. My husband and children are fast asleep. I on the other hand can not sleep. Some nights your brain can’t just drift away to dream land. You just continue to run through memories from a life time ago. You know the ones that make you look at yourself and ask some hard questions.

I honestly can’t tell if its PTSD or just one of those things people do. Tonight’s show that is replaying in my mind? My greatest regret…my ex-husband. I somehow ended up thinking of when we got married at just 18 and one really bad night.

I moved out to North Carolina to join him in the army. We had our first place together. I knew there would be nights he had to work late or have to leave for however long they said. But that wasn’t the case. He was supposed to come home. I had no calls letting me know he would be late. Eventually I went to bed. I woke up I think around two or three in the morning and he still wasn’t home. I called so many times worried he was in an accident.

I called the battery, they said he had left after formation. Its so hurtful when even his co-buddies knew why he wasn’t home. I knew it too I just didn’t want it to be true. Of course when he came home I confronted him. I don’t remember what his excuse was. I never did find that out from him, but I knew.

It wasn’t long after that I found out that I was pregnant with our daughter. I also found out a few months into the pregnancy that he was on Plenty of Fish. The saddest part was that wasn’t the first or last time he cheated. I ask myself all the time why I didn’t leave sooner? I even catch myself wishing I had before we had children. Leaving would have been easier. I wouldn’t have to hurt my children by the things they witnessed at the end.

Why didn’t I leave? I wanted to make it work, we made vows. In the early years he would beg on his knees for me to stay. He would promise to change. Promise to never do it again. I would believe him and for a few months he would, then I would catch him again. At the end he got abusive. He would do anything harassment, gaslighting, manipulation, violence.

I wish I knew why I’m sitting here at almost 3 am. I’m writing about my ex and the traumas he left me to sort through. When I have a good man laying next to me asleep. I count myself lucky that I found a man who is truly good to me. My current husband and I have been going on four years. He has been faithful to me everyday. This is the problem with mental abuse. The hurt isn’t visible and takes years to heal.

Here is to healing and moving forward. I hope anyone who is reading this and is in a toxic relationship leaves. I hope they find the person who truly loves them. Even though it is easier said then done.