Growing up Audhild

I see a lot of people talk about what it’s like when abuse is happening. Don’t get me wrong, that is incredibly important. Every warrior needs to tell their story. The stories help us understand how the abusers work and how they catch someone in their web. If you were raised with abusive parents it doesn’t take much. We are drawn to the chaos like a moth to a flame.

What we don’t talk about is what happens after the damage is done, and how to start the healing process. Where do you even begin? Does it start with forgiveness, or does it start when you decide you deserve better? I am still learning how to heal. There was a time though when I had to stand up and say enough. I got into therapy. I am working on the process. It’s going to take me a long time to undo a lifetime of changes my brain made to survive.

Going through the healing process is hard. You are changing the chemicals and processes of your brain. The parts I personally have had a hard time working through are my triggers and negative thoughts. Therapy isn’t about helping you take away the damage. Healing isn’t about forgetting either. Therapy is about learning techniques to manage the triggers and worst days. Healing is about accepting the pain and the past you can’t change, then moving ahead as a better you.

Healing is also very lonely when you learn the patterns and the red flags. You learn your worth. No one is worth letting that go again. The people who you once considered friends and family disappear when you set boundaries. Some of them are asked to leave because it’s just better to continue life without their toxicity. I see families and I wonder what it’s like to have a supportive parent. I also think about what it’s like having a sister who is also your best friend.

I haven’t been capable of holding a good conversation with my father in years. I also haven’t talked with my sister since the year before I left my first husband. Just because they share my bloodline does not mean that I have to talk to them. They also don’t get the chance to hurt my children like they did me. That was a painful choice. It leaves me wanting those connections that I can never have with them. So I chose to protect my children and raise them around the people who love them like I do.

When you are going on your healing journey you will lose friends and family. The trade-off is the peace and comfort you feel no longer fighting them every day. Letting people leave your life also allows you more room to grow into the person you want to be. To me, this is worth it. I have learned so much about who I am without toxic people in my life.

Choosing to love myself cost me relationships I thought were going to last my whole life. It also made room for people who really do love me. I found the love of my life and my first healthy relationship. I found new friends who became my sisters in life. I found a love for learning. I intend on returning to college and completing a degree that makes me happy. I learned that I love to write. I discovered a whole new me. The healing journey is hard but it’s so worth it.